Monday, March 7, 2011

East Meets Wild Wild West

O.K. let's face facts, I'm a jersey girl. I admit it even though I grew up mostly in the mid-west I have lived the longest in the northwest part of N.J., well until a few months ago when all hell broke loose. I know what everybody says about NJ and for the most part some of it rings true but a lot of it could be said about any part of the country where there are too many people with too much money and too much going on...right? (that wouldn't be me by the way).....! My idea of California was always flower children and sunny skies, beautiful people , you know  can you hear me singing "are you goin to San Francisco???" So imagine my surprise when I realized that there are crazy rude people in California too! On one of my first excursions out to the big city(!!!) (I live in a teeny tiny desert community) I was driving at night, a very dark night mind you, and I wasn't sure where to turn or the rules about left lane turning. So before I could figure it out what to do some hot dog was up my rear end , honking and I'm sure swearing and I had to turn as fast as I could to get the hell out of his way.  I know I'm a big girl I can handle this stuff...but I'm thinking jeez didn't he see the out of state license plates? Or maybe even the blond hair driving the car??? Didn't I leave NJ to get away from that sort of stuff?? I went on with my mission shaking it off as a bad night for whoever the dude was driving and left it at that. When I mentioned my little incident to my favorite hippie chick who runs the corner store she said, "yeah it's a little lawless out here, everybody does there own thing -you know anything goes!" Alrighty then..note to self....I live in a lawless area.Now before you go calling me a wimp let me tell you about my next out of body experience here in lawless land or the wild wild west as my boyfriend calls it. I was driving back from a very frustrating day in search of a fitness center that either had gone out of business or was run by skinny mean people that charged way too much  money for their services. Feeling very defeated and wanting to be home in the comfort of my desert retreat with my fur children, I headed home on the only highway you can travel.It was starting to be rush hour(it takes on a whole new meaning out here since the speed limit is crazy fast) and so there I was flying along keeping up like a good California driver and suddenly I realize I am boxed in and all the vehicles are kind  of pick-up truck types and they are swerving off the road and then on the road and stopping and starting and flooring it and out of nowhere one of the first vehicles in this absurd line up does a 180 just like in the French Connection and he ends up in the middle lane facing one of the pick up trucks and I'm thinking WTF.(sorry just no other words to describe) . Everybody comes to a screeching halt and the guy who is now facing the truck pulls up next to the dude and starts screaming every kind of bad thing a person can say and the next thing I know the pick up truck dude has a gun and he is waving it around and before I could even see my life pass before me, the 180 dude floors it and off into the sunset he rides. Now it is apparent to me that all these cowboys are in on this chase, God help me, and me and one other little car are the only ones not involved. So I see this opening and I put the pedal to the metal and flew out of there like nobody's business. I got home shaking and mildly freaking out but thanking the universe for letting me live another day. There is no moral of the story. I have to get with the program as they say and pray to the desert Gods to keep me safe in my travels. But seriously guys. Really? Is it that hard to do all that macho bullshit in the parking lot of the bar you just left? I mean who are you kidding? You aren't riding Thunder and this isn't Gunsmoke for crying out loud.
I recently read an article in an artsy magazine listing the top ten things to do when you are in the desert and my number one favorite was, always have an exit strategy......amen sister!


  1. Well good thing you lived in joisey all those years,driving the garden state parkway.

  2. Are you sure there was a gun involved or was there dust in your eyes? I still would like to think of the dessert as a place where Meerkats live in perfect harmony in a community and Cowboys are men who protect live stock and strong women. And now that you haven't found a fitness center, would you care to share with us the beauty secrets of a Jersey Blond in Sunny California?

  3. I was just thinking the same thing....Maureen! and very funny S. beauty secrets? Well, run like hell...